Connect briefly
Regulate your voice and signal that the relationship remains safe.
Clinical Perspectives
Speak With, Not At
Pair a clear expectation with a real opportunity for voice.
Under stress, repeated directions and explanations can crowd out participation. A shorter, two-way conversation can protect dignity without making the expectation optional.
Four moves to try
State the expectation
Be specific and use one short sentence.
Invite a response
Ask a genuine question or offer two acceptable options.
Confirm the next step
Agree on what happens next and follow through.
How it might sound
Younger child
At cleanup, keep the expectation and ask whether blocks or cars should go away first.
Teenager
After a missed curfew, ask what happened before deciding together what the next step must address.
Coach the caregiver
Practice a short direction that leaves room for voice without offering a choice you cannot honor.
Try it this week
Once a day, replace a lecture with a clear expectation, an appropriate invitation, and a confirmed next step.
Reflection
Am I opening a conversation or only delivering a conclusion?
Safety and practice: Do not demand eye contact or negotiation during high distress. Respect communication and sensory differences; prioritize safety when risk rises.
Download the one-page takeaway (PDF)